O, the insanity!

My Room (or "An excuse to show off my books")

2009-02-28T12:39:00.004-06:00

I was moving a bunch of stuff in my room to creative new places and wanted an excuse to show off my books again. So here we go:

Here we see my guitar amp, with a crate of games stacked atop, and a cutting board with my turntable/radio thing on top of that. Also, if you look closely you can see the string that holds up the radio antenna and on the other end of that a place where I hang things that really have no purpose being hung. If you look closely in the lower left hand corner you can see my printer/copier/"scanner" that is plugged in and functioning. I used it just the other day. Actually, I realized I needed to use it about 30 seconds after I moved it down there.

My bed, a pirate flag, my "nightstand."

Art supplies and some music stuff that currently have nowhere else to go.

Books! And on the bottom shelf records.

More Books! And a couple guitars. And a towel.

Hey look, more books! And another guitar. And my subwoofer, playstation 2, leather jacket, and tube of tennis balls.

Desk! And above it, my two posters. I'm not sure why I have oil lamps, but I see them leaving in the future. Not seen under desk: second smaller, crappier amp.

My throne of comfort that is actually not all that comfortable.

Choice

2009-02-25T17:32:00.001-06:00

While I enjoy writing my random nonsense and psychotic prose, I do, on occasion, feel the need to be a bit more coherent.

Watching several TED talks about creativity and genius have gotten me thinking about things. Specifically, predestination and choice.

Some say that we are destined to be something or somewhere, that whatever happens happens that way because that's how it's supposed to happen.

Others believe that nothing is set in stone. The way of the world is determined by what we do. No fate but what we make for ourselves.

What I've been thinking over is this: Theoretically, if you knew the position of every proton, neutron, and electron in the universe and the precise measurement of all the forces acting on them, you could predict where they would go and how they would react. And from this, extrapolate their positions and consequences into eternity.

To give you an idea of the applications of this, say you are studying a person. You need to know what he will do next. With the knowledge mentioned before, it would be a simple thing to predict how the electrons would flow through his brain and how the chemicals in his body would act, giving you the exact course of action he would take.

Here is where it gets tricky. Your knowledge of what he would do will change what you will do which trickles back down and changes what he does, starting the process over again and you're back to not knowing what he would do. Except that nothing has changed. All the knowledge of electrons and protons and neutrons still applies. You can still track it. It's still predetermined, but the future is still unknowable.

The fact that everything is changing as you learn it means that even if you know exactly what happened in the previous instant and all the things and paths and consequences that lead up to it, you cannot know what will happen next because you're knowledge of what happens next will change what happens next.

So is the future predetermined?

Where does choice fall into all this? Let's go back to the example. You've determined how the man you're studying will act, and you have formed a reaction. How was this reaction formed? You made a choice, yes? But if all the actions in the universe are predetermined by the movements of the atoms at the beginning of the universe then all you have accomplished is the illusion of choice. The action you've formed is merely the result of all the actions you've taken before, which were all determined in the same manner.

To make a choice, a real choice, one not predetermined, would mean a phenomena had taken place unheard of in modern science: something created from nothing. An unknown force unaffected by physics, barging into our universe and changing something according to no scientific law, throwing the whole mess into unpredictable chaos.

Is there such a thing as choice?

I believe there is. Let me try and explain why. It may make a bit more sense if you know that I'm a Christian.

It is commonly accepted that there are three parts to a human being: body, mind, and soul. The body being the physical component, the mind being the control mechanism, and the soul being sort of undefined. It's just there. It's important ... somehow.

I believe the soul is our gift from God, it's what sets us apart from plants and animals. It's what makes us human in the first place.

I think the soul is where choices are made. It is that force acting outside the realm of science to influence our universe and create random occurrences for better or worse.

If the body and mind are both physical components of the human being then they are both predictable entities of our universe. I believe the soul resides outside of this predictable physical space, but acts upon it through it's connection to the body and mind. The soul is our conciousness.

Based on what I've said above:

Premise A: Everything in the physical universe can be predicted based on the motion of electrons, protons, and neutrons.
Premise B: The human body and mind reside in the physical universe.
Conclusion: The actions and reactions of the human body and mind can be predicted.

That should make sense if you read the first half of this.

Now we make a few assumptions:

Premise A: Human beings have a soul.
Premise B: The soul does not reside in the physical universe.
Conclusion: Part of the human being is not predictable based on the motion of electrons, protons, and neutrons.

Nothing to radical there. If something is not part of something else it is not subject to that something else. Just as people in the United States are not subject to the laws of England. If this soul were to effect anything (which I believe it does (see the next part)) then it means that human beings as a whole are fundamentally unpredictable.

Finally:

Premise A: God exists.
Premise B: Choices are made with the soul
Premise C: God gave humans a soul.
Conclusion: Choice exists.

I said before I was a Christian, so this part should also make sense.

While this does not conclusively prove my point, it does lend credibilty to the idea. And the idea is this: For choice to exist, God has to exist. If God does not exist, then we have no choice and none of it matters anyway.

I think, from reading this, it is obvious that I believe human beings are capable of choice.

"The past is definite, the present uncertain, and the future unknowable."

See the cliff. See me run off cliff. See me forget parachute.

2009-02-24T16:10:00.000-06:00

It's possible that I have been driven to this by an abundance of undirected energy. It's also possible that I think it's time to throw myself off a figurative cliff. Either way, the result is the same. A new blog post.

I have to much energy. In honor of fat Tuesday, I think I should have ice cream. I bought a new sketchbook. And some kneaded erasers.

Art students are always high because their supplies smell to good.

My parents and I have decided to win the lottery.

I went through the McDonald's drivethru to get direction to a walmart that we could see but not get to.

Stuffed animals ...

I thought I lost some money, but I just stuck it in a different pocket.

I just found my driver's license. How strange. Musical lobotomy.

I was playing around with my homepage earlier. That one I made. Now it has links.

Hats.

If I were ever to become a proffesional fighter, I would walk out to Indestructible by Disturbed. It is the perfect fight song. Speaking of which, I still need to see Fight Club. And/or read the book.

Black hats.

Speaking of black hats, one of the career paths I've been considering lately is penetration testing. Physical and Network Security. It's black hat hacking, but entirely legal and you get paid for it. All the fun of being a spy, with none of the danger of being shot (or almost none of the danger).

Have you ever sneezed and accidentally hit yourself in the face?

I found a nice pen in a bar in Florida, but it is out of ink and I haven't yet been able to find a suitable replacement cartrige. So I bought one of those Sharpie pens instead. Two actually, cause that's how they were packaged.

I probably shouldn't be sitting this close to speakers this loud.

I want to keep typing, but I am running out of things to say that don't require me to go and think. I am not in the mood to think. Or am I. I am thinking as I write, this ... punctuation oddly deforming itself to envelop my ever degenerating thought. process.

Train by 3 Doors Down

Now let's sit back and see what happens. Rather, I will will sit back, and watch you make things happen. I made this happen. Now your turn. ///

Irons

2008-12-11T20:42:00.000-06:00

It has been suggested that I update my blog.

What're you looking at?

2008-09-10T19:11:00.002-05:00

It's time I write again, but of what shall I write? My thoughts are rusty, my wits are slow, and my fingers are out of practice; but I am nonetheless determined (at least for the next few minutes) to pound out something for you read.

...

The dog is breathing on me.

Smashing start, no?

It's that time of year. The time of year when the temperature drops, the leaves change color, the birds fly south, and I get checks in the mail. Yes, just today I found an unexpected bundle of joy on top of my computer. Also today, I was handed a coupon for Barnes & Noble. It's like the dark side is calling and sending cookies all at the same time.

It could just be the unusually large amount of the over-the-counter drugs I've consumed today, but my head does not enjoy being being more than three feet from my ankles. Perhaps all those body-racking sneezes were just my heads way of insisting on a closer fraternity with my knees.

Anyways, this post comes to be only because every single on of my readers has told me one way or another that they do not like being left for months withouer updates. Here it is. Happy now? Good. Now leave my with my NyQuil.

...

You are still here. Why?

*sigh*

"My chest hurts when I move my arms like this. Ow. And this. Ow. And this and this and this. Ow."
"Then don't move your arms like that."
"But my chest hurts when I move them like this. Ow."

"Don't worry. That's just Tiger. He wanders."
"It's not him I'm concerned about. It's the fire balls that are following him."

Everytime I do the worm I smash my face into the floor. I don't think I'm doing it right.

I must be doing something right

2008-07-21T20:11:00.001-05:00

1. Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering?

I take a chance on a customer that falls through leaving me several thousand in debt. I file for bankruptcy, my bike gets reposessed. The repo man hits my cat. I end up having to wait tables at Steak and Shake.

2. What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the up swing, even if temporarily?

Work to repair my credit, buy a used motorcycle. Sue the repo man for emotional distress. Start building another business on the side. I've tried and failed once, I can do it again. Change location, move to Florida, live with Grandma, get a job down there. Learn to sail and surf.

3. What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios?

I make some extra money on the side, eventually enough to quit my job. I meet new people, reduce my fears of appproaching people, and learn to sell what I want. Improved self-confidence. Gain respect. More free time to do what I want.

4. If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control?

Become as knowledgable as I can about AMSOIL while selling aggressively to anyone who will listen. Live off savings for as long as I can so I can focus on AMSOIL.

5. What are you putting off out of fear?

Selling to people I know.

6. What is it costing you - financially, emotionally, and physically - to postphone action?

Financially - extra income
Emotionally - self-confience, stress, worry, fear
Physically - stress

7. What are you waiting for?

The August price increase. I don't think it would be fair to sign up an account and then immediately raise the prices.

-----

All I can say is I must be doing something right if I managed to make my worst case scenario end with me in Florida taking surfing lessons.

What I'm trying to say is not here

2008-06-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

Are we too cynical? Sitting there, picking apart the motives of others without knowing them, always assuming the worst. Or firmly stating that everything we do is the result of outside influence, that it couldn't possibly be our own thoughts but those of advertisers and mediamen.

Surely such a negative outlook on how we act can't be good for us. The ability to shun any responsibility for our own thoughts with the mere wave the hand and a cliche statement about environmental influences.

"It's not your own thought! It was planted there by something someone said, or you saw, or you read. You're just another means of advertising for the original thinker!" Bullshit, if we didn't listen, or see, or read we'd have no material for forming thoughts of our own. We'd be the mush the cynics say we are.

But maybe they are right. Maybe we're nothing more than fleshy billboards for the multi-billion dollar coporations that run our lives. Maybe this wasn't about cynicism.

Special

2008-06-01T21:30:00.001-05:00

I share a birthday with Alexander the Great and the Loch Ness monster. I am most definitely destined for greatness.

Pics, Two of Them

2008-05-27T20:19:00.002-05:00

What I did two weeks ago.

What I did today.

Yay.

So ... Dreams ...

2008-05-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, those dreams I mentioned in my last post. I've been bugged a bit to do the follow up and have been meaning to do it anyways so here we go.

The first one has me standing in a monochromatic landscape viewing myself in the third person. I am standing in the middle of a road that disappears into the distance beyond rolling hills and there is an old farmhouse to my left. I'm standing with my arms spread wide and I hear myself speaking as a sort of voiceover that says "The world is whatever I want it to be." Then I fall forward and through the pavement and into a first person view of the world from underneath. And things where distorted and wavy and it was all very trippy but still just black and white. I floated there for a bit contemplating things and then woke up.

The second dream I'm not actually in. I'm basically a floating camera, or something. Anyways, I see a massive (mile high) pure gold, jewel encrusted sailing ship. Must have had seven masts with large golden sails. My view zoom out and rises towards the top of the ship before zooming back in towards the crows nest and a very beautiful woman in a long white dress playing a flute. Then I woke up.

Some dreams just get stuck in my head, like the pulsating, white concentric circles on a blue background or the russian guy talking to me in the snow. These two are like that. I always kinda hope they mean something.

remind me

2008-05-21T20:46:00.001-05:00

Remind me to blog about my dreams/hallucinations later.

Lazing

2008-05-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

I went for a ten mile bike ride.

It was not long enough.

Long Time No See

2008-05-07T20:37:00.002-05:00

Last night, being entirely to lazy to put sheets on my bed, I wrapped myself in a blanket and slept on the floor.

I think I will be getting paid more, soon. I hope. Yay money!

I am four dollars short of halfway to a motorcycle down-payment. I foresee much travel and camping once I get a motorcycle.

I'm not sure what to blog about actually, it seems like it's been so long since I've tried. If I recall correctly, what I used to do in this situation is just rattle off whatever comes into my head.

so, crazy train, ozzy, rob zombie, iron maiden (not sure where that's coming from, as I don't really have any of their music), makes me think of Iron Man, which takes me back to ozzy and that tribute cd, which of course makes me think of the tenacious d song "tribute" and school of rock with jack black which makes me think of jack daniels becaue the label is black. That of course leads to captain morgan because they sit near each other ont he shelves at walmart, which is a very anti-union company. they sell cheap because their stuff is made all overseas, which many people say is attributing to the loss of jobs over here in americaland. Americaland sounds like a theme park, a very shiny, ego-filled theme park with nothing but concession stands and factory outlets. It took me a long time to realize that a "factory outlet" was not just an outlet owned by a factory, but was in fact a form of discount store. My punctuation seems to be rather hit or miss in this paragraph, as is my capitalization.

The solution to that is a new paragraph, and the hope that my fingers will be less lazy.

I got to ... not tomorrow, today is only wednesday ... carbondale on saturday for Chelsea's graduation. This involves me waking at quarter .... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, it feels like i am covered in ants .... anyways ... quater to six to i can leave by 6:20 so I can find Rebecca by 6:45 and hopefully be on the road by seven, so we can get down there around 10:30 to be in time for lunch. And that's actually all the further I've planned that day. I have no idea what happens after that. I will need caffeine. Must stop and get soem before finding my cohort, which means leaving before 6:20. I must be gone by 6:15.

I've been having trouble with maths lately. Well, just numbers. They still do what I want them to, I just use the wrong ones. Everytime I try to wright out "69" I write "96".

Parabolic curves!!!

2008-04-27T17:05:00.001-05:00

LSD vs. Alcohol vs. Tree :: http://wallout.com/lsd_vs_alcohol_vs_tree

Amused

2008-04-22T20:50:00.002-05:00

I was amused today when I heard Mike's daughter complaining some of the things I used to complain about. ("What's the point of going to college if I don't know why I want to be there?", etc.)

And that got me thinking: One of my greatest collegiate achievements was passing the Intro to Art class just barely. I succeeded in putting the absolute bare minimum of effort into it necessary to pass. That, and the BULLSHIT paper. I still find it hard to believe that got an A. I'm still proud too.

The weekend of May 10th shall be fun. And severely lacking in sleep, but caffeine shall save me. Tasty Starbuckian Frappachino things. Like chocolate milk, but with happy-go-fast juice mixed in.

Earlier I went to fax something, and I walked into the office, to where the fax machine used to be, stood in front of what was obviously a printer, and just looked stupid for about thirty seconds before realizing the fax machine was behind me.

nothing good my dear mary jane

2008-04-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

(09:30:30 PM) pheonixvette: after spacing out for several mintues
(09:30:44 PM) pheonixvette: i remembered i was writing a comment for you blgo
(09:30:47 PM) pheonixvette: and i posted it
(09:30:49 PM) pheonixvette: *blog
(09:30:54 PM) pheonixvette: i almost wrote that as plog
(09:31:02 PM) ckermit8: lol
(09:32:14 PM) ckermit8: i forgot i was righting comment.
(09:32:33 PM) ckermit8: u right good comments
(09:32:43 PM) pheonixvette: lol
(09:32:51 PM) pheonixvette: i was still partially spaced
(09:33:04 PM) ckermit8: i noticed
(09:33:39 PM) pheonixvette: did i leave out the word "a" too?
(09:33:48 PM) pheonixvette: that was unintentional
(09:33:54 PM) ckermit8: idk
(09:33:59 PM) ckermit8: i unscreened it
(09:34:03 PM) ckermit8: u can see it now
(09:34:23 PM) pheonixvette: i did
(09:34:33 PM) pheonixvette: yeah
(09:34:35 PM) ckermit8: good 4 u
(09:34:35 PM) pheonixvette: out of it
(09:34:38 PM) pheonixvette: away in lala land
(09:34:47 PM) ckermit8: thats ok they love u there
(09:34:51 PM) pheonixvette: land of gumdrop hills and sugar coated mailboxes
(09:35:00 PM) ckermit8: of course i think they love everybody...
(09:35:00 PM) pheonixvette: i love them too
(09:35:08 PM) ckermit8: too much opium....
(09:35:22 PM) pheonixvette: fluffy and winky and all the guys down at candy cane hollow
(09:35:32 PM) pheonixvette: opium
(09:35:41 PM) ckermit8: poppies
(09:35:43 PM) pheonixvette: that one of the elements of candy land
(09:35:51 PM) pheonixvette: fire water earth wind opium
(09:36:13 PM) ckermit8: ok
(09:36:27 PM) pheonixvette: mary jane
(09:36:42 PM) pheonixvette: what are you up to?
(09:37:11 PM) pheonixvette: why do i have a window opened about sapiosexuality?
(09:37:29 PM) ckermit8: lol too much time in lalalla land
(09:37:44 PM) ckermit8: i am browsing
(09:38:17 PM) pheonixvette: oop ack ooo lala walla walla bing bing
(09:38:24 PM) pheonixvette: *bing bang
(09:39:58 PM) ckermit8: say hi to the oompa loompas 4 me the next time you are there
(09:40:10 PM) pheonixvette: there are no demons in lala land
(09:40:33 PM) ckermit8: the oompa loompas were purveyors of the good life
(09:40:39 PM) ckermit8: they preached good things
(09:40:44 PM) pheonixvette: oompa loompas are tools of the devil
(09:40:46 PM) pheonixvette: they are orange
(09:40:57 PM) ckermit8: did u not watch the original with the good willy wonka?
(09:41:00 PM) pheonixvette: nothing good can come from and orange midgit
(09:41:04 PM) pheonixvette: *an
(09:41:14 PM) ckermit8: lol

we all know you're really just here for the nonsensical diddies

2008-04-14T21:00:00.001-05:00

I have recently developed an affinity for pie. And I want pancakes. And I've gained 40 pounds.

One of those is a lie.

Bruce is the service manager at Carver's. Today he was in the shop and someone called to speak to him, but someone in sales handled the call before bruce got back. But just before the phone was hung up someone noticed it was still there and called Bruce again. Immediately after that, the sales guy hung up and Gabe dialed up a Sex Chat hotline on the line just before Bruce got to it.

Later in the day Gabe rickrolled me with a telephone. He paged my phone and held up his receiver to his computer and rickrolled me.

I try to read books more now that I have less time. I think my problem before was that I had so much time I couldn't decide what to do. Now that I have less time I can't spend as much time mulling over my decisions and just pick something to do. So even though I have less time I get more done.

Tomorrow I get to play broomball, but tomorrow is also the last time I will see Chris Anderson for a long time. Chris Anderson is the Extension Educator for my extension unit and 4H program. He's held this position for longer than I've been alive but has recently taken a position at the University of Maryland. I and everyone I know are sad to see him go.

I think I'm the only person at Carver's under the age of 30.

Early I was walking to the other end of the house to get myself a glass of water and as I exited my room I noticed one of my balloons has escaped from the net. I had an idea. So I picked up the balloon and carried to the other end of the house where I hid it behind my back and jumped down the stairs. When I hit the floor I popped the balloon and mom just about jumped off the couch.

Snoopy is cool.

I told Chelsea that the next time I saw her I would wear my slippers, but I think the next time I see her will be at her graduation, and slippers would not be appropriate. This just means I will have to change into them.

Lazy zachariah
was a crazy old pariah
with a taste for shiny golden toys

and one day zachariah
met with his friend hezakiah
and together they robbed a bank

oh yes a bank!

and on their way away from there
they stopped at an old county fair
and stole the cotton candy stand too

but later on in that same day
they stopped the car to smoke away
the last of their beloved green plant

it's reefer madness!

and drawn to them just by the smell
came sherrifs john and caramel
at least that's what his name sounded like

and here this story starts to end
without a twist without a bend
and our heros sitting in county jail

oh what an end!

There is that

2008-04-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

So, the dog, the big one, is very adept at escaping from her dog kennel. Tonight we went out to find her wedged between the porch in the kennel and the 8 foot high fence approximately 5 feet in the air unable to escape. This amuses me greatly.

Oh yeah, I got a full-time job. Yay!

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

2008-04-02T21:44:00.001-05:00

So, I had an idea.

Let me begin again.

A few weeks ago I got to play with spray paint. I painted a filing cabinet and it's drawers. And it was awesome.

Anyways, before that even I've thought graffiti art was cool.

I really should put these stories in order, or plan them out or something...

So, I've thought graffiti art was cool for a while, and thought that tagging game that Marc Ecko made a few years ago show promise. And I've always thought it'd be kind cool to be one of those people who writes the message that make you think on the sides of buildings or bridges or whatever, which really fits in with my urban exploration fantasies. Well, not fantasies, butyou get the idea. I hope....

The whole point of this post is to say that since the file cabinet thing I've had the idea to spray paint clever saying and stuff on my walls with stencils. And then I had the idea to do it all in binary, cause deep down I am a total geek. Then I was thinking about black lights and how I wanted to replace the bulb in my lamp with a black light bulb.

And that reminded me of the UV reactive paint that Andy had on the wall of one of the dorms in the Jr. Home Ec. Building on the state fair ground that he was showing off one day.

So I got the bright idea to combine the two. Do the wall graffiti in my room with UV reactive paint so that it doesn't annoy mom as much and is only visible when I think it would be cool to have that sort of thing be visible.

Kind of like invisible ink. Sort of.

Morning Update #3

2008-04-02T10:23:00.001-05:00

Ew, that was not sugar. Good thing tasted it first. Ew.

Anyways. It is prepared! Kinda tasty, Haven't gotten to the good part yet ...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Morning Update #2

2008-04-02T10:03:00.002-05:00

My breakfast is mutating. It has grown walls.

Morning Update

2008-04-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I recieved another flat stanely in the mail. Unfortunately I no longer have a cousin to give me private tours of the Capitol building and mom hasn't started back there yet. This calls for planning ... and plotting.

For breakfast today (brunch?) I went to make pancakes, but as I was flipping to them in the cook book I saw something that said "Puffy Oven Pancake" so I made that instead. It is in the oven now. I'm looking forward to it. 20 somthing minutes to wait though. It use a pie pan, which I thought was cool. Want to eat.

So I'm camped out in the living room,listening to music through the nice stereo and getting ready to play a game to pass the time while I wait for this thing to finish cooking.

Ever notice that things you see as inevitable generally happen? I think this is because when we come to the conclusion that something is unstoppable we start to subconciously help it along, even if we don't want to.

Another idea: what if our subconcious is actually another being inside us? Think about it, it controls all the things we have no control over, and it influences our decisions without us realizing it.

Musing - short

2008-03-30T23:57:00.001-05:00

To be great you must surround yourself with great people. To find great people you must figure out where they are and go there. To attract great people you must be great yourself. It takes effort.

Go where great people go and be great.

I make beer

2008-03-30T20:12:00.002-05:00

Me: Our water is unusually clear today.
Dad: Well, that's good.
Me: No, I'm being sarcastic. I can't see my hand through it.

Dad: How much sugar does it say to put in?
Me: 500 grams
Dad: So three pounds right?
Me: I don't know how much is 4 pounds?
Dad: 1800 grams.
Me: So, a pound?
Dad: I'll put in three pounds anyways. I always do, tastes good.
*dumps most of bag in*
Dad: That looks like 500 grams.
*stares at massive mound of sugar*

You know the story is going be interesting:

"So anyways, I'm drunk, naked, and handcuffed to a street lamp in the middle of Time Square."

"I"m in jail, in Mexico, and my cellmate is this big guy named Tito. He's eyeballin' me as I walk in so I say, 'What're you lookin' at?'"

"I crawl out the window onto the ledge sevens stories up and realize I've forgotten my pants."

"Six shots of tequila later and I'm on a private jet to France with seven showgirls and a poodle named Rex."

"I look the officer straight in the eye and say, 'Dude, I called hours ago, where's my pizza?'"

"Three hours later, I'm cold, wet, and duct taped to the top of a van."

Seriously ...

2008-03-28T00:00:00.002-05:00

... whatever that noise is it's making my hair stand on end. Really creepy... sounds like someone screaming in pain from very far away.

vehicle for the spirit ... or something like that

2008-03-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

My eyes are kinda sore, so I'm typing this without their benefit. I apologize now for any odd typos, but I just don't care enough to try and fix them.

My mind doesn't seem to be working lately. The first sign was the lack of blogging. I had nothing to say, so I said nothing. Then my scrabble games went wildly downhill. Now I'm just not motivated ... no, i'm motivated, to do something, but I don't know what.

Opening eyes now.

Ok look, I have no idea what i'm doing or where I'm going. Without the standard college approach to life I dont have the benefit of someone else telling me what it will take to get through life successfully. I've walked away from the path of least resistance and stepped of a fucking cliff. I'm kinda hoping I find a parachute on the way down and manage to land on a beach, but right now I'm headed straight for some cheery, pointed rocks.

I watched an Indiana Jones movie today, and it made me think about being a professor again. I'd always thought it'd be kind of cool to teach in a university. Problem is, I don't want to be one of those ivory tower academics. I want real life experiences, but I don't know ... i'm an idoit aren't I? You've all just been patronizing me for all these years to see what kind of stupid stuff I'll get myself into. That must be it, other wise I wouldn't be sitting here asking myself such dumb questions and receive such equally insipid answers.

Maybe it's not running away, maybe its what I need to do. Walk out the door with a backpack and the money in my wallet and see how far I get. Maybe just for a weekend. Wander off, camp somewhere, come back. Three days? Four? What will satisfy me? Why do I think this will satisfy me? It still doesn't help with a job or a career. Wandering off and surviving on my own doesn't prove anything useful to anyone. You were homeless and didn't die, congratulations, you're only the 3 billionth person to do that.

don't get distracted

you ever notice that we only seem to deal with people who are in jobs that lead nowhere? Cashiers, teachers, waiters. Ever wonder why? Cause all the interesting people are off doing things. No. That's not right. That's not fair to those people. it's not where they'll be forever it's just where they are right now. Problem is I'm even worse off than they are. hell, I can't even get McDonald's to hire me.

Whining will get me nowhere. I don't know anyone to flatter. Maybe I should move somewhere. I've got family in Florida and California, I ... that is a creep noise right there... I should go investigate. No idea ... anyways, I could move to one of those places and try to find a job. Move out there, get a job as a waiter or something, get a place of my own. Southern California, sell my truck, buy a bike, live near the beach.

I know it's posts like this that make my blog not worth reading anymore, but I write them in the hopes that one of them will help me find the answer, and I post them because I've got nothing else to use them for.

And to think, this whole thing started because I was thinking about dreams.

QOTD

2008-03-25T23:24:00.000-05:00

"If you're not afraid of the consequences there is no deterrent to action." ~Anonymous

less incoherent

2008-03-24T22:53:00.000-05:00

“Life is what happens while you're waiting for life to happen.” ~Anonymous

I didn't like where I saw my life going, and I realized that it was going there because I didn't have anywhere else to take it. This is my most recent attempt to figure out what to do.

What do I want from life?

It'd be so easy to just say “I have no idea” but I know that's not true. It wouldn't help anything either, I'm in no mood for denial. So, what is it that I hope to get out of living? Why do I bother?

I want happiness, love, and fun. I want to be respected. I want to cut through the bullshit and understand what's really going on. I want to be witty and fun to be around. I want to be honorable and trustworthy. I want to be a good friend. I want to live without having to ever worry about money. I want to be slightly eccentric. I want to be able to have intelligent conversations on a wide variety of topics. I want to make music that sounds good. I want to write words that make people think about who they are and what they're doing, but I want to entertain them too. I want people to be comfortable around me. I want to feel like I've accomplished something with my life and that those who come after will benefit from my existence.

Why do I want this?

Who doesn't want happiness? It's a great feeling. The feeling that says anything can be done, the world isn't a hopelessly rotten place, that there is still good in people. Everything that is right with the world can be summed up in happiness.

Someone once told me that they believed romantic love didn't exist. But when asked to define what they meant they couldn't give me an answer, so I still hold out hope that it does. I can't say much on this, but love is worth searching for. I have the impression that it's important in ways that go beyond what people talk about. Beyond having someone to hold, someone to trust, and someone to care about.

A life without fun is horrible, depressing idea. Fun is how you relax and forget about stress. How you let go of your problems and just enjoy living. Fun is central to the kind of life I want.

I suppose these three things are all really the same thing when it comes down to it. Enjoyment of life. Why strand yourself in a life you don't enjoy? These three things make the rest bearable.

I take the word respected to mean “admired for one's thoughts and actions.” I want people to look up to me as a role model and for guidance. You can't be doing to badly if people want to be more like you.

I don't want to be fooled by clever phrasing or taken in by smooth talking propagandists. I want to be able to see the truth of what's going on so that I am not fooled into making a bad choice or tricked into doing something despicable. I don't want my morals compromised because I don't understand the situation. I don't want to hurt anyone through ignorance.

I want to be witty and original, not just spout off jokes that everyone has heard before. I want to be fun to be around so I'm not just leeching off the fun of others. I also don't want to end up just standing in the corner watching everyone else have fun.

I suppose being honorable and trustworthy go hand in hand. I would define honorable as your reputation for being trustworthy and honor as ability to stick to your values. I believe it is important for people to be able to trust you when they need to and to know that whatever they tell you in confidence will remain in confidence no matter what. When people talk of defending their honor they seem mostly to be referring to getting revenge for perceived slights against their character, but I define it as defending your reputation for being an upright citizen or person of good morals.

All of this seems to be focused on making me a better, more interesting individual, but for what purpose? To be a better friend. I am here to help other people however they may need it, and part of this is being the best friend I can figure out how to be. If I want to attract interesting and thoughtful and fun people to be my friends I too need to be someone worth attracting.

I don't think anyone wants to live day to day wondering whether or not they'll have enough money to buy groceries next week, but I want to have enough money to not have to work, to do the things I love, live the life I want to live, and take care of the people I love.

I want to be slightly eccentric. This might seems a little odd, so I'll explain. (Okay, so the whole point of this is to explain things, just shut up and read.) I want to be different from other people. The idea of being “one of the herd” is disgusting and depressing to me. I don't want to follow in the footsteps of others, I want to (you know, I really hate cliches too, but ...) blaze my own trail. (God, I feel ashamed of that line ...) Generally, people who do not follow the majority in their ways of doing things are thought to be eccentric, and this appeals to me. You might argue that being eccentric is simply conforming to a different herd, but the very idea of eccentricity prevents this from happening since eccentric people are all eccentric in different ways. It's like insanity, but without the fluffy white cell.

Wanting to be able to have intelligent conversations goes back to being the kind of person I want to attract. If I want to hang around people who can discuss a variety of things in a meaningful way then I need to be able to keep pace with them. Otherwise, they would do what I would do, which is to find someone more compelling.

“I want to make music that sounds good.” I've grown fond of my guitar over the years and would like to eventually make music and write songs that other people will want to listen to with out vomiting. Then again, actually getting someone to vomit would be kind of cool ..., but nevertheless, I'd rather, on the whole, people enjoy what they hear and want to hear more.

I want my writing to reflect everything that I am and want to be, which are all the things listed here. I want my writing to make you think, but I want it to make you laugh too. I want to be able to trust that I'm saying something I believe to be true, not just something designed to get you to read it. I want it to be varied and fascinating, not monotonous and dull. Post after post about my cat or how dull my life is don't quite cut it. The same with anything that repeats endlessly. Wisdom isn't confined to one subject so neither should be my writing.

I work hard to make sure people are comfortable around me. I think one of the greatest failures is for other people to perceive you as creepy.

All this is meant to help me guide my life in a direction that will result in some benefit for those who will come after me. The world should be better for my having been in it. To pass through life without trying to help your fellow man is the greatest failure of all.

I will not fail.

Why yes, I can be less coherent

2008-03-24T19:44:00.003-05:00

So ... on Easter ... I had balloons ... and sharpies ...

Fibonacci balloon:

From 1 to 10610209457723

Other balloons (made by cousins):

Apparently, if I win they will all fall down.

This just in

2008-03-23T12:47:00.001-05:00

I was standing on the couch after opening the window contemplating jumping over the table that had been set up in the library, but realized I would hit my head on the ceiling fan.

I didn't meant to write this

2008-03-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

[I'm writing this as a vomit page so I can think in writing and form ideas while working on that other thing in the other window.]

You know, I don' t think this is the kind of thing you're supposed to tell just anyone, but maybe that reluctance to share yourself with others is why we as a people are so fragmented. We don't want others to understand us because we fear it will give them an advantage over us. But I think that if you are secure in who you are people cannot take advantage of you no matter what they know about you.

Now, obviously, if I were to share this with anyone I would have to rewrite and reword so as to not sound like some kind of touchy feelly con artist. Bad way to describe it, but ...

I feel my thoughts should be more coherent, what with all the time I have to think to myself, and I forgot to finish my book this week. I was planning to read it during the day yesterday and today but I didn't get time because I was working... I'm a little dissappointed and feel like I should go read it now but I'm having fun here chatting and writing nonsense-ish stuff.

Eccentricity is like insanity, but without the fluffy white cell.

“I am therefore I am” as opposed to “I am because someone else says I am.” The idea that we are who we are because that is who we choose to be, as opposed to we are who we are because of what other people say we are. We become who we are because of who we desire to be, as opposed to we are what we are because of what other people have decided we should be. The difference between existing as a person and as a thing.

That kind of hard to say thought, because I'm reducing anyone who lets other people direct their life to nothing more than an object, and that's not entirely correct. Thing is the wrong word to use there. Maybe ... slave? But then person is the right word to use.

“The difference between freedom and slavery.” Yes, I like that much more.

Who are you a slave to?

Of course, this doesn't mean that you can't still be open to suggestion, you're just no longer obligated to take them.

Damn, I had an idea for an entertaining dialog the other day but I didn't write it down and now I've forgotten. (I suck at descriptions at the moment, so dialog is all I do. not that I can say it's much better, but I think it sounds a heck of a lot less dry.) I'll think of something and type it up later.

And I thought yesterday would be boring

2008-03-11T12:30:00.002-05:00

I was bribed with cookies to arrive at a house to play games with friends where I served duty as a catapult, stole a cookies, and was given burger made of Bambi, afterwhich I shot off towards Jacksonville to attend a meal I wouldn't eat and be informed of the change in plans that resulted with me arriving at a house I'd never seen, owned by people I'd never met, where I watched a movie I didn't know existed, and slept on a floor wrapped in blankets of uncertain origin next to girls I never thought I'd be friends with who then proceeded to knee me in the back and kick me in the head while we slept.

I also ate a cherry filled pastry.

One day ...

2008-03-06T08:34:00.002-06:00

One day I'm going to look back at these blog posts and think "Damn, I was stupid." Knowing this gives me hope that one day I'll be better than I am now.

I don't want to suppress my angst, I want to make it go away completely. I want to be calm and wise, not moody and foolish. I think this requires more effort on my part to control myself.

you're still here ... why?

2008-03-04T22:05:00.002-06:00

I drove by an abandoned gas station the other day. The price on the sign said $1.33 per gallon.

I ate many cookies today.

Llama llama duck llama duck duck llama llama llama duck llama duck

I'm just absent mindly typing away between rounds in my game. The game is Toribash. It's cool.

Hah, I just had some fun thoughts. Don't remember most of them of course, but they entertained me while they stuck around.

I had funny quote.

So ... is that hooting? I think I heard hooting ... but I'm not sure. Anyways, I forgot why I started blogging.

Apparently I smoke weed now? I didn't know that. Can't remember if I started that rumor or not ...

... ellipses ...

Why am I starting rumors anyways, I've got no one to be jealous of me to propogate them. At least, no one I know of ... *shift eyes*

sylph is a word I've liked since I came across it in one of those day by day calendars a few years ago, but I still haven't figure out it's proper adjective form.

kermit

floppy ears and meatballs

drunken froggy
drunk and foggy
spinning dizzy
in a tizzy

^.-

I can be very stupid sometimes

2008-03-04T00:18:00.002-06:00

A few months ago I found a list that told you when certain copyright applied to their respective materials. It said that any written material produced before 1937 was in the public domain.

My first though? "People wrote books before 1937? There can't be that many."

Oh yes, I felt smart that day.

Poor Toulouse

2008-03-03T16:30:00.003-06:00

I slept with a stuffed animal until I was six and almost set one on fire trying to warm it up.

You see, I was spending the night at my cousins house and they had this nice wood burning stove with glass doors right in the middle of their house. One morning we were down their with out stuff animals (mine being Toulouse, from the Aristocats (awesome movie)) and we were attempting to make them warm. I got the bright idea to press mine against the glass doors.

It was significantly warmed and all the "fur" on the side has been singed and turned black.

My previous stuffed animal had been a wolf that I had creatively named "Wolfy." I had to give him up with his head started to fall off.

Before that I had a bear, I don't remember his name, but I was around two or three when I had to send him on to a better place because I'd chewed his eyes off.

Uncle Waldo was cool.

poof

2008-03-02T20:52:00.000-06:00

I saw people writing things. Good things. Thought provoking things. And I wanted to be like them. Then I realized I wasn't.

That line might not have come across the way I wished, but since I didn't wish it come across in any particular way it doesn't matter.

i say "lately" a lot, but most of the time I mean "for the last few hours - or so."

I like hypens.

Lizards are interesting. Yeah, for some reason the word hypen makes me think of lizards.

And lizard makes me think of the letter L which starts the word love, and I feel slightly odd now that I've associated lizards and snakes with love. I know a snake isn't a lizard. Well, it kind of is - without legs.

Block party. Son of a gun. Woo. Guns. Swords are cooler. I wonder when I gave up on the idea of being a fighter. I suppose I haven't. That's interesting ...

My cousin came over earlier and we played video games.

I must be one of the only people in the world to look forward to Mondays. It's the first day of the work week, which means that I get it all to myself until about 5pm. I love being alone. Solitude. Loud music. I hope tomorrow is warm.

*checks weather*

Hmmm, high of 42.

I saw a button in a toolbar on my comp and thought it said pirate, but it said paste. I was dissappointed.

The problem is all inside your head.

Yay, stuff, thinking, etc.

2008-03-01T13:52:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've spent most of my online time checking email, reading my RSS feeds, and chatting with friends; but a few days ago one the links I followed lead me back to a website I hadn't visited for a over two years: DeviantArt. I started to poke around. I logged into my old account, clean out the messages and notifications, and looked through the stuff I had put up there way back when. Crap mostly. There were one or two things I still thought were kind of cool, but most of it was junk.

But, this got me thinking about the kinds of things I used to do back then. By "back then" I mean more then 3 years ago, the "pre-real-life-friends" era. I spent a lot of time cutomizing the desktop on whatever computer I happened to be using, and I spent a lot of time in online forums. Actually, one forum I have just recently severed my connection with after 5 years. (It calls me back ...) Rediscovering DeviantArt seems to have reawakened an interesting in some of these things. I know, there's no real indication any of them ever died, and maybe they didn't, but they were definately dormant for a while; and most likely will be again soon. For now, though, I will attempt to participate again.

Part of this attempt was my downloading of a program called Blender. It's a 3D modeling program that I have attempted to learn before, but always lost interest in. Something else I need to look into, now that I think about it, is some sort of raytracing program. I used one a few years ago called POV-Ray for Windows. Well, I never got very far with it, but the idea intrigues me and I wish to learn more.

My understanding of how a ray tracer works is the you program in what objects you want, their size and shape, position in space, color, textured, opacity, where the light source is, how bright, etc. and then the computer "traces" the "rays" of light eminating from the light source and records how they interact with the objects you've placed. It then renders this image on screen. It takes a long time to render and image, but from what I understand it is a very good way of getting realistic lighting effects.

And to finish, here are screenshots of each of my desktops.

2008-02-29T22:18:00.002-06:00

I've noticed lately that I have been very impatient, unhappy, and generally not myself. I had several reasons for this, but they are, for the most part, unimportant now.

"My goals" this, "my goals" that. I annoy myself sometimes.

Today I had an interview at Starbucks, and I think it went well. They said they would call me back in a few days if I got a job. A job would be nice. I've decided that to celebrate my getting a job I would buy a pirate flag and hang it over my bed.

March 8th I get to spend 7 hours on the road driving to and from NILC. I didn't think I would get a job so I figured "Hey, I've got nothing else to do, I'll just volunteer for a much stuff as I can to get me out of the house." Come April I'll need a suit for Legislative Connection. I don't think I've worn a suit since I was six.

Gah, my left eye feels funny. Kind of like there's a giant air bubble in it.

My brain is starving.

Random

2008-02-21T00:07:00.002-06:00

I got fed up last night and took the shower head off.

Earlier tonight I saw a shooting star, and I made a wish.

JLC cometh.

Oh hey, look, I forgot I was writing a post.

Anyways, if narwhals were made of cheese how much would the moon be worth? And if the number is great than 6, is blue the new word for shag?

So, I made a list. Of stuff.

I sing like a dope
my dancing lacks in talent
but i play guitar

haiku is awesome
its easy for me to grasp
sexy three liners

speaking of haiku
there is something you should know
i speak in random

i am at wits end
that evil barney love song
is stuck in my head

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I get the feeling that I missed something important and it may be to late to do anything about it.

143

Thinking out loud

2008-02-19T22:53:00.000-06:00

http://www.lyved.com/life/75-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I stumbled across that earlier tonight and began to read down the list of questions. When I got to question three I answered "no" without stopping to think, and it made me wonder why?

Why am I so quick to say I'm not doing what I want? What is it I want to do? Why does my answer bother me so much? What do I do to change it?

I suppose I'm so quick to say I'm not doing what I really want to be doing because I believe that if I were doing what I really wanted I wouldn't be bored everyday. I would expect there to be dull days no matter what, of course, but when it seems like every day is just another gray splotch on my life something has to be wrong. I can't accept that this is how life is supposed to be lived. It's to damn sad.

But what *do* I want? Adventure? I want to not be bored anymore. I want to wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed so I can do the things I want to do during the day.

This doesn't answer my question, it's just the result I want the answer to bring. So what is that answer? Do I just need something to look forward to? I seem happier when I'm looking forward to doing something or seeing someone. But that can't be a perpetual thing, I can't wait forever for something to happen. Waiting around for something to happen is a waste of life.

Something that is perpetually rewarding, but always with something more to look forward to, something more to attain.

Can it be that life itself is reason enough to keep on living? But what do I do with it? Life may be reason enough to keep on living, but it's not a good enough reason to remember that someone lived it.

So I want to be remembered? But how does that help with boredome? How does that help me wake up and face the day? Wanting to be remembered is just another result I want the answer to give, but I still don't have the answer.

Does anybody have the answer?

I had a think

2008-02-19T20:59:00.001-06:00

when faced with to many choices it becomes hard to decide, but once we've decided it's not use worrying if one of the other things we picked would have been better. after all, we can't go back and change the choice so it's best to just be happy with what we have

this would also make it easier to decide since we would most likely end up happy no matter what we picked

so the key is not to choose what will make you happy, but to be happy with what you chose.

inspired by this: http://www.violentacres.com/archives/335/too-much-choice-is-pure-hell

Youth

2008-02-19T12:11:00.001-06:00

Where did the freedom you had when you were a little kid go? I remember running around without a shirt on through the woods with not a care in the world. I didn't care what people thought, what they saw, or anything. Now I don't take my shirt off except to sleep for fear of people thinking I'm trying to show off, a ridculous idea as I have nothing to show off to begin with, but there it is.

When I was little I wasn't afraid to ask any question that popped into my little head. I was eager to learn, and had no idea that I was "supposed" to be grooming myself for some far away career that would steal my soul. I wanted to learn because it was fun. Now I'm almost afraid to learn something because it might be the wrong thing, or I won't be able to put it to good use.

What is there now that makes me so different from back then? Responsibilities? Maturity? (hah) I can drive now. I can go anywhere, but I have nowhere to go and no money to get there. Ah yes, money. When I was little I didn't need money. I worked and I asked and sometimes I got what I wanted and sometimes I didn't. And while I may have been sad for a few hours, the knowledge that there was nothing I could do was what helped me get over it. It was useless to worry about it. Now I'm the only thing standing between me and what I want. If there's something I haven't been able to do or get I'm the only one to blame. It's entirely in my control, but completely beyond my grasp.

So lately I've been in search of the carefree spirit I had back then. Nothing was impossible, it was just harder to get. Pet tiger? Sure, just need to save up the right amount of money and beg my parents until they give in. Drive a car? Just need to be really good and ask politely, maybe they say yes.

I need to start thinking differently. It's not about getting things from other people anymore, it's about getting them from myself.

this was supposed to go up last night

2008-02-19T10:42:00.000-06:00

Hopes and dreams are what keep us going.

I wonder where the intelligent me went.

You never know if what you want will make you happy until you have it.

Everyone has a weakness, some just don't know it.

I feel like a walking cliche somedays.

It's hard to do stream-of-conciousness type stuff when your conciousness keeps streaming to places you don't want to share.

Who are "they" and why won't they shut up?

Old buildings rouse the spirit of the poet and the heart of the explorer.

What is that magical power that great bodies of water seem to hold over us that we would stand at their edge for eternity and wish for just a moment more.

Ironically, it is now cliche to want to not be cliche.

Everyone has something they would say if they discovered they were terminally ill. Sadly, these are most often the things that shouldn't wait.

3:00am

2008-02-18T02:51:00.001-06:00

This weekend was incredible, I'm just sorry it had to end so soon. The arch was very cool. Now I am going to do get ready for bed and then go there.

One False Step

2008-02-17T22:29:00.001-06:00

One False Step
by Joshua Frank

How could he have been so blind?

The implications were hard to grasp. It meant that one small mistake had destroyed everything he worked for. Everything he believed had been wrong.

It wouldn't be long now until they came for him, and not long after that until the mistake was public knowledge.

How could he have been so stupid?

He'd meant good by it. He'd meant to make things better.. That there would no longer be fear of the unknown. Of the shadows. Of being harassed and terrorized by those who knew nothing of good.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

God. He thought the knowledge would save them, but it would destroy them. Just as it was about to destroy him. Evil hides in the shadows, but when there are no more shadows evil has no need to hide.

Because of him there were no more shadows. Because of him evil had no need to hide.

game on

2008-02-15T00:03:00.000-06:00

I'm not entirely sure what the people in my game are talking about, but it's not all that important. I win more than I lose so I guess it works out.

I have a slight headache, which is very unusual. I suspect dehydration. Actually, I know that's what it is, but I'm to lazy to go stick my head under the faucet. Ah, in a few minutes, ozzy just came on.

I feel the need for wit, but it can be hard to be witty when there is no one to bounce it off of. One of my goals is to be more witty.

Until then ...

Once upon a time in a land 'neath the sea,
there lived a mermaid, her father and me.
then one day there came a great plague of black stuff
and all was enveloped in a strange kind of dark fluff.
the king turned to me and saw i was willing
and then sent me forth to make with the killing.
and i'll admit i was rough
but the blackness was tough
then it said unto me
just do as you please
and spare me from dealing
with this terrible sneeze.

And that's where inspiration dies. I suppose it's a suitable conclusion though. I typed most of that as I went so there was no time to pause and reflect on it.

HAH, that guy called me a wanker and then I ripped all his limbs off. I feel good about that. Of course, that also means I just lost to a limbless torso ... <-- game reference again

Right, water! I forgot.

Ahhh, I feel better now.

Question Everything

2008-02-12T00:18:00.001-06:00

once again i endeavour to write something worthwhile. i had a few ideas just a second ago, but i've forgotten them. luckily i wrote down one from earlier.

"My questions are not meant to make me appear deep, they are meant to make you think."

So, with that, here are some questions:

1. What makes someone a legend?
2. If you could do one thing without repercusions what would it be?
3. Why do you love what you love?

If you've never heard of the Baader-Meinhof Effect, it is this: When you are thinking about something, other things relating to that thing begin to appear. For example, driving down the road one day, you see a Douglas Adams quote on a billboard. Later, while standing in line at the bank, you notice that there are 42 light fixtures. Leaving the bank you notice a discarded bath towel.

Of course, it could just be that since you've thought about whatever this thing is, you're subconcious is simply tuned to notice more of that thing.

I've seen the idea of questioning everything popping up quite a bit lately, and as I got to thinking about it I realized that I've stopped questioning things. I was worried that I'd even gone so far as to lose the desire to know more about the world about me. And I believe this to be at the root of any problems I was having. I'd lost the hacker mindeset.

When most people think of hackers they think of the some pasty white nerd in his momma's basement surrounded by computer equipment and empty cheeto bags who likes to steal credit card numbers and buy porn. Hollywood has taken this idea and made it a bit more glamours. Instead of pasty white nerd you have good looking businessman type. Instead of momma's basement you have trendy loft apartment with offbeat art and fancy furniture. Instead of steal credit card numbers, you have hacking into government databases and world domination. Instead of porn you have harems and fast cars.

But the real hacker is someone with an insaitiable desire to explore the world around him. The guy who sat in the back of class taking pens apart and putting them back together (and maybe even parts of his desk ...). He builds things. Legos are the greatest things to come along since the invention of the wheel.

The hacker does not destroy, he creates. And he is not limited to computers. Hacking is a way of thinking that goes beyond and one field of study. Computers, electronics, woodworking, cars, art, music, anything. Anything where you can create or make something better.

I was sitting in front of the television the other day with Stargate flashing by on the screen (honestly, I'm getting sick of sitting in front of the TV for four hours a night, even if there are no commercials) thinking about how much could be done with computers if only I knew how. Just some basic stuff could open so much information to me. All the useful things I could do.

That thought process stemmed from thinking about encryption and how to remain untraceable while online. I realized that I didn't even know where to begin with this sort of thing. It's just another one of those things I want to learn but don't because I can't decide what to put first.

Staying with this line of thought, I have finally decided what book I'm going to read this week. It is "The Art of Intrusion: The Real Stories Behind the Exploits of Hackers, Intruders & Decievers" by Kevin Mitnick.

And now I'm off to attempt to learn something while I still have the motivation and the ability to ignore the things I'm not paying attention to in order to do this.

Electircity Eeeeelectricity

2008-02-11T15:06:00.000-06:00

After going outside to fetch wood I noticed that my hands have turned a healthy looking shade of blue-ish purple.

The title is a reference to the Schoolhouse Rock skit which has embedded itself into my head.

Feb 11 - Post 500

2008-02-11T13:40:00.000-06:00

Static electricity. It's in my pants.

Everything is sticking to me and my hair is pointing up at funny angles. Of course, I kindt of like my hair pointing up at funn angles, but after a while it lays down and just isn't that spectactular andymore. So sad.

I have finally finished the playlist I was working on. It's 27 minutes long. Shorter than I wanted, but it sounds good:

Tale of the Runaways - Maylene and the Sons of Disaster
Prayer of the Refugee - Rise Against
Word Up - Korn
This Suffering - Billy Talent
Listening - The Used
Ex's and Oh's - Atreyu
Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria

I need to find a better place to put my shoes. They seem to take up more space than is physically possible for a shoe to take.

I have modified my tent so it no longer rubs my head.

There is a very large blue ball in the next room. I want to kick it.

slushiness

I am not a potato. Potatos are small and brown and hurt when they're thrown at you. I am large, white, and hard to throw. I am also considerably less edible than a potato. And potatoes don't bite back when you try to eat them.

I have a book about the preservation of books. Now, that sounds really dull, but for some reason it wasn't.

I found a chocolate snowman on a stick.

Happy Birthday to Chelsea! Who is now twenty dos.

Well, this didn't go as planned

2008-02-10T22:27:00.000-06:00

Alright, this week's book took a little longer than expected, but that's my fault. I wanted to finish it by Friday night, but that didn't work. I eventually finished it tonight. I had planned to read Plato's Republic this week, but I think I might hold off and read something else first. I've got a few Clive Cussler novels I never got around to reading...

The problem with reading books is that it makes me want to do stuff and learn stuff. Sounds like a stupid problem, but there are to many things to choose from. Well, no, I just use that as an excuse to not learn anything. The real problem is that it makes me want to learn things without ... you know, I have no idea what my problem is. Wow, I feel stupid now.

So, I guess that means that I start learning things. The only question is where to start. I made a list, several lists actually. The first:

to research
-----
legends
charles fort
fortean
cryptids and mythological creatures
carl jung
origami
music (bands/artists)
music theory
subjective reality
alcohol
paranormal phenomena
movies
python (programming language)(I should know at least one)
math and its applications
how to be a criminal/great crimes/criminal psychology/organized crime
lock picking/smithing
how to fly an airplane
interrogation/counter-interogation

There are some references to psychology on there, which I've been feeling drawn to lately, but I haven't done anything more than read a few articles online; not enough to form coherent thoughts on though, which makes me think I need to learn more about the basics. An obivous place to start.

The second list seemed to be just a different organization of the above with some physical goals thrown in for good measure:

outline
-----
physical development
- agility
- strength
- endurance
- speed
- balance
- toughness
- other
mental development
- humor/wit
- quick thinking
- logic/analysis
- compassion/understanding
- knowledge on broad range of subjects
- toughness
- originality
skill aquisition
- fighting
- programming
- higher lever math
- writing
- music
- manufacturing/engineering

physical developement
-----
agility
- parkour
strength
- deadlift 700 lbs. for 5 reps
- one arm military press 200 lbs. for 5 reps
- muscle-up 20 reps
endurance
- one arm snatch 72 lbs. 50 reps each side
- run 5 miles in 30 minutes
speed
- punch and kicking speed
- sprinting 200m in 24 seconds
balance
- walk on railings/narrow surfaces
- move efficiently on unstable surfaces
- handstands
- walking on hands
toughness
- be able to take any hit
- ignore pain
- survive anywhere with anything
other
- posture
- nutrition

mental development
-----
humor/wit
- read funny/witty things by others
- analogies
quick thinking
- think through problems quickly
logic/analysis
- study logic
- study philosophy
- math
compassion/understanding
- pay attention to others
- study psychology
knowledge on broad range of subjects
- read much and varied literature
- try new things
- history
toughness
- ignore pain
- maintain clear thinking under demanding conditions
originality
- search out new ideas and innovative thinkers

skill aquisition
-----
fighting
- hand-to-hand
- staff/broomstick
programming
- python
higher level math
- calculus
writing
- ability to communicate my thoughts more clearly
- research and write articles
- become published regularly
music
- music theory
- increase technical skill
- learn more songs
- compose my own music
- learn to read music
manufacturing/engineering
- ability to build what i need with what i have
- weapons
- shelter
- clothes
- transportation

The handstands seem to be coming along well, but the things I can "learn" are mostly in the last two sections. The things I keep coming back to the most are psychology, agility, music, math, and art. I wouldn't mind becoming a sharp shooter either, but knife throwing would be an acceptable, and cheaper, alternative.

I want focus. So I should focus. I'm reading one book a week, so that's a start. I should start reading psychology articles in some of my free online time. Spanish needs to be learned. I was going to start that this week. Knife throwing will have to wait until I have a job that will pay for knives and the construction of a target. Agility I'm already working on. Music I do on and off, but I"m not at all focused. Perhaps learn a song a week? As far as art goes, I was going to start drawing again this week. And math can just buzz off for now.

So to summarize:

one book a week
read psychology articles online, one a day
learn spanish (hour a day?)
continue agility stuff (that would be mostly handstands right now, start mobility and streching, posture)
draw more (hour a day?)
learn a song on guitar (hour a day?)

(I'm sorry if this is all very boring, I started off planning to blog, but got caught up in this. If you don't mind I'll just fnish.)

The old scedule can remain, just needs to be modified some.

before 9 - doesn't matter
9ish to 1ish - read, guitar, draw, write, "exercise", watch something (movie, TED talks, etc.)
1ish to 3ish - job search related stuff
3ish to 4ish - spanish
night - read psychology article, read, doesn't matter

The idea is that it is still free form, but forces me to study spanish. In an attempt to make choices easier, I can only do something if it is listed for that time frame. Of course, that really only applies for 9-1.

We'll see how this goes.

To make up for this post, I will writing something entertaining for tomorrow.

Flip a coin

2008-02-07T16:08:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about a way to decide between two equally appealing options a few weeks ago, and I had this idea. Of course, I forgot about it ten minutes later, but a few days ago I saw someone else mention using it, and just now it's popped back into my head.

The idea is that when you are having a hard time deciding what to do, you flip a coin. It's not as stupid as it sounds. The twist is you don't necessarily choose the option that came up. Instead you flip the coin and watch how you react to the answer. If you're happy, then you do what the coin says. If you're disappointed, then you know you should do the other thing.

The way I saw it described was that it gave you a way to fully commit to an option to see how you felt without any risk.

Earlier, I was hungry. I was hungry because all I've eaten today is half a package of crackers, mostly because there was nothing else I felt like eating. So when my plans to go into town fell through, I decided to quell my hunger (that would have been an odd typo ...). So I made bread. I realize now that this was a bad idea, because it is two and a half hours between deciding to make bread and being able to eat it.

I am still hungry.

Hmmhmmhmm

2008-02-04T16:43:00.000-06:00

So, in an effort to make myself more productive, I have given myself a very loose schedule. I generally hate to be on tight schedules, but when I have no schedule at all I get nothing done. Unlike my past efforts, I think I've actually succeeded this time.

9am and before - Wake up, putter around, accomplish nothing, taunt cat, etc.
9 until hungry or 1pm - on Monday Wednesday and Friday read book, on Tuesday and Thursday watch movie and/or TED talks
while eating - watch TED talk or something similiar
after eating/1pm - 4:30pm - look for job, work on resume, other related items
4:30 until unconscious - whatever

I do a short workout whenever I go out to the garage, reach an odd numbered chapter in a book, and at the end of any movies.

I was also thinking earlier about how I don't like to keep calendars at all because they are to restricting (I usually just remember all my dates), so I came up with one idea for getting around that. I like it because it's a little less rigid in structure than anything else I've come across. Though maybe it's just the lack of boxs and lines I like ... This ties in with several ideas I've had for the use of small notebooks, but that's another post.

Anyways, the idea is to draw a small (approx 5.5 x4) calendar on a blank page and underneath that and on the next two pages right down all the dates I need to remember. By each date put a letter to represent it on the calendar, then put the letter on the calendar under the right day. This seemed like it might save some space over those dayplanner things that I hate while still allowing other uses. The whole year would only take up 36 pages and I could just add the months as I come to them and not necessarily in order thanks to the index at the front of the notebook (that would be part the other post I probably won't remember to write).

Rain rain rain turkey

2008-02-03T17:05:00.000-06:00

I did try to start my motorcycle a few weeks ago, but the battery was completely dead.

I made bread. It is wonderful. So tasty.

I went bowling last night, with Rebecca and Brad and Brad's friend Tallboy. Tallboy bowl 260 the second game. I finally managed to get a turkey, an accomplishment of which I am very proud.

I am very tired lately.

hoovooloo - a hyper-intelligent shade of the color blue

I'm done!

2008-02-01T18:55:00.000-06:00

I'm done i'm done i'm done. I 've been reading for eight hours straight. I think I actually read three books. This book, now that I think about it, was a collection of short stories and novels. But I am done. Yay!

Goal

2008-01-31T16:52:00.001-06:00

My goal for tomorrow is to finish the book I am currently reading. I will not sign into IM until it is done. I will not sleep until it is done. I will not play my game until it is done.

I will listen to music though.

Man that was cliched

2008-01-31T16:00:00.001-06:00

I must learn to explain my ideas better, and to not attempt to do so when lacking in sleep.

Snow

2008-01-31T12:05:00.001-06:00

It is snowing! And the predicted accumulation is between 7 and 10 inches. I really hope we get that.

I had several dreams last night. Ironically, one of them was about falling asleep. The others have faded mostly, but one had a whole lot of stuff going on.

unoriginal post title #23

2008-01-30T23:06:00.000-06:00

The why and how of who we are and what we do.

I've been think about that a lot recently. And not so recently. I've always thought that the key to communicating effectively and building strong relationships is understanding how people think and why they do what they do. Naturally this led to lots of self analyzing, and I haven't always found things I like. I still don't.

It's also lead me to believe that you can never truly understand someone else. Sure you can get to know someone pretty well, but unless you can relive their life you will never know all the things that make them who they are.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this so just bear with me.

I suppose there's just lots of little conclusions I'd like to share that I don't have another outlet for.

You can love someone without liking them.

There is a difference between loving someone because you need them, and needing someone because you love them.

Everyone can be understood, given enough time.

People are people no matter where they come from or what they've been through.

You cannot become less than human, you can only bury and hide it away.

It is possible to hide yourself away so completely that you cannot find your way back.

Spooky

2008-01-30T15:06:00.001-06:00

I am now positive that my printer is off and not plugged into my computer, but it just made noise. I do not know why.

I have spent a good portion of today working on a playlist of music. I don't know why, but it has entertained me. I have also registered with some kind of job placement website.

I think I will read a book. No, not yet. Food -> game -> book.

See, a progression.

I have oil lamp. :-)

Grrr, I keep trying to communicate the music in my head through this blog by nodding my head and smiling, but it's not working.

ATTENTION PLEASE!!!

2008-01-30T11:27:00.000-06:00

I have an annoucement to make.

Stop! Read this line first!

GO TEAM DIRT!
Pikachu! I choose you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long ago

2008-01-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

I was a youngun. And there came a day when I was a youngun no more. And it was a great and terrible event full of leaping tigers and raging dragons. And then came the goose which laid the golden eggs, and it did give unto me it's secrets. Secrets of far more worth than gold. Secrets of life and understanding. Of the universe and the human consciousness. And I was stunned. Then I was given enough wine to knock out an elephant. When I came to I was in this strange land, full of automobiles and trees. And here doth I reside until the time come that I should pass on my knowledge to the next of my kind. The next protector or worlds. The next ... goosling.

A hint

2008-01-29T16:11:00.000-06:00

Because I feel the need to encourage this.

My plans are so big that I'm pushing back my purchase of a motorcycle for them.

sutpid

2008-01-29T15:54:00.001-06:00

(03:58:02 PM) ckermit8: so charge it stupid
(03:58:05 PM) pheonixvette: i am
(03:58:13 PM) pheonixvette: charging
(03:58:14 PM) pheonixvette: not sutpid
(03:58:17 PM) pheonixvette: *stupid
(03:58:21 PM) ckermit8: lol
(03:58:23 PM) pheonixvette: dog
(03:58:25 PM) pheonixvette: *doh
(03:58:29 PM) pheonixvette: dammit

La dee da

2008-01-29T14:51:00.000-06:00

You only need a passport for stays of up to 90 days in Argentina.

You cannot import porn into Argentina.

Advice

2008-01-29T12:40:00.001-06:00

My bowling advice is all firmly grounded in the obvious: "You're throwing it the wrong direction."

You know what?

2008-01-28T23:37:00.001-06:00

No matter what I tell myself my hair is never easy to comb. No matter what length it always takes a torrent of water to tame. And sometimes, even after my head is drench and water is running off me, bits of hair are still sticking up and flaring out and pointing every which way.

Plans are finally beginning to take shape

2008-01-28T22:24:00.001-06:00

This ... this is very good. Things are moving. Time to plan. Things to say.

I feel the need to make this exceedingly dramatic. Muahahaha

More to come at a later date.

Goodbye Monday

2008-01-28T21:20:00.000-06:00

... and good riddance.

2008-01-27T22:23:00.000-06:00

"I looked at the stars and thought of you, but then I realized that you don't exist." -Anonymous

It's things like my previous post that make me feel selfish.

Damn this is annoying

2008-01-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

I was having fun. Playing a game with someone, actually had something to say to other people. Then I got called away to do an errand. I get back, tell everyone I'm back. Then I have to leave 30 seconds later. And I come back. Three minutes later, I have to go away again. Now, I have no game, and no ones says anything.

I swear, everytime I actually have shit to say I have to go do a fucking errand and then no one is there when I get back.

[/end rant]

Mmmm

2008-01-25T14:47:00.000-06:00

I made chocolate chip cookies today. After the third pan I only had enough dough left to make two and a half cookies, so I took what was left and rolled it up into a big ball and put it on the pan. Then I thought for a minute and squished it with my palm until it was less ball shaped and more flatly cylindrical. Now I have a very large, perfectly formed cookie.

At 3:30 I must vacuum ...

I like to rhyme
is useful way
to use my time
not waste my day

Si

2008-01-24T22:39:00.000-06:00

Empath = I am sorry for you.
Sympathy = I am sorry with you.

I thought of that last night in the shower. About the time I realized I had no soap. I really hate having to go fetch soap when wet.

I am loopy
also droopy
my ears touch the floor

O so fruity
not so tooty
you run for the door

you should fear
i have large ears
my knees are very frog

i like the sky
i love to fly
my head is in a fog

I sleep like a log
i dream like dog
i move like a cat
I fly like a bat
echolocation
new motivation
i found a shiny white stone

she had knife
she tried for my life
i dive for the bed
but i hit my head
concussive fracture
i hear evil laughter
she cut me clean down to the bone

whooo!!

remix!

hey diddle diddle
the cat and the fiddle
the cow jumped over the moon

blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah
the dish ran away with the spoon

i fear ... sanity ....

fangirls ...

Murder murder kill kill

2008-01-24T18:17:00.000-06:00

So, today I recorded something I played on my guitar. I have now spent the last hour and a half
trying to figure out how to upload it in someway so that you could listen to it. But I cannot.

Wait, I'm an idiot.

http://www.mediafire.com/?5ne1invyklw

Yes, there it is. A whole 29 seconds of it.

Birds and Bees

2008-01-23T21:43:00.000-06:00

lowly birds
the bees did spurn
but comes a time
when tides shall turn

no more the lost
can gather rest
the bees have taken
all the best

but comes a time
when tides shall turn
there comes a time
when bees shall burn

they never knew
their time was near
they had no chance
to show their fear

bodies falling
none to lightly
falling faster
burning brightly

the time has come
the tide has turned
the birds are free
the bees are burned

No, I didn't now realize what I was saying when I wrote this. It only just now dawned on me several hours later.

Anyways, my first thoughts after writing this was that birds represented free thinkers and bees represented politicians (or something equally despicable). There was conscious effort to put meaning behind it while writing though.

Aw hell

2008-01-22T23:49:00.001-06:00

Keating: A man is not "very tired". He is exhausted. Don't use "very sad." Use, come on Mr. Overstreet, you twerp.

Knox: Morose?

Keating: Exactly. "Morose." Language was developed for one endeavor, and that is, Mr. Anderson. Come on, are you a man or an amoeba? Mr. Perry.

Neil: Uh, to communicate?

Keating: Nooo!! To woo women!

http://www.generationterrorists.com/quotes/dps.html

The day we lose our need for dreams is the day the human race forfeits its soul.
John Chiam

many a thing i dream to do
and many a thing i fear
but the only thing i fear to dream
is to dream of loving you

God, I'm sappy tonight ...

Vivid

2008-01-19T23:14:00.000-06:00

Ever had a dream that was so vivid you could remember every detail? Ever had a dream where you could actually feel things? That was so weird. Weird may not be the right word.

Printer

2008-01-19T22:54:00.000-06:00

I don't remember if I left my printer on or not after the last time I used it, but I just had to turn it off because it was making noise. It's not even plugged into a computer.

I also had to take down the sheet over my door because there was more than ten degrees of difference between the hallway and my room. My room being the very cold side. Heck, that sheet has been down for over and hour now and it has warmed up considerably, but it still isn't back up to even 70 degrees in here.

Here, set this on fire and put it in your mouth

2008-01-17T23:21:00.000-06:00

My room needs ... more. I hung a large black sheet over head so it's kind of tent like. And I've hung a large black towel from the top of my door frame, so I have a curtained entrance. I need a harem, according to mom, but that seems a bit out of reach at the moment so I need something a little more within my grasp.

I want to make and print a larger poster (2ft x 3ft) of a pirate flag and hang it over my bed, but that will take time and money. I don't have money to spare at the moment.

I feel I need a tower of some sort.

My black lights are on too. My room is awesome.

Hmm, I have an idea. Be right back.

Alright, I've hava tower-ish thing now. Sort of ...

Discussions

2008-01-17T15:10:00.000-06:00

I was reading this and it got me thinking. I don't really pay attention to politics, but reading this made me think about why. I realized that I was thinking about it in the way that was described by one of the commenters: boring. I never conciously thought about it as boring, but that was why I avoided it. It's not.

This lead to another realization. I'm not usually around when people discuss politics. But it's been years since I heard anyone seriously discuss politics. Another of the comments in the link above mentioned that topics such as politics have become taboo in our culture. For whatever reason it has come to be this way, I think it needs to change.

As I got to thinking about it more, I realized that most of the interesting conversations I've had have dealt with one or more of these "taboo" subjects. Politics, ethics, philosophy, religion, etc. But the general consensus seems to be that rational discussion of these topics is impossible in this day and age because peoples opinions on them are to strong. I'm not so sure this is true.

I'm not aware of people refusing to discuss topics in the past because their opinions were "to strong." And there are plenty of other topics where strong opinions abound that people don't shy away from discussing. I believe that somewhere along the line people stopped having opinions, and to cover up their lack of knowledge the made the topics taboo.

Take religion for example. Muslim extremists ("terrorists") are in the news a lot, but what makes them extreme? What differentiates a Sunni from Shiite? What is an Imam? Who was this Mohammad person? How much to you really know? These are just the basics of their religion and most of us are complete ignorant.

We're trapped by out perceptions of each other into saying on the blandest, most widely accepted opinions to avoid stepping on anybody's toes. We assume we know how the other person will react, but if you've never had a meaningful discussion with them how can you know? It's time to start stepping on toes.

If I didn't know better, a skinny dip could be a scoop of low-fat ice cream.

2008-01-16T22:25:00.000-06:00

Write!

I am in a chair.

Today I figure out how to get my iPod to play through dad's stereo so I am no longer confined to my room all the time just so I can listen to music with good sound quality.

I feel kind of sleepy but don't think I could go to sleep.

I forgot all about writing my dreams down. Dang it. Some were kind of interesting too. I need to start doing that on a more regular basis.

“A more regular basis” seems to me to be one of those lines that just gets used to much.

Fizzy fizz fizz

Man <--- this was going to be the beginning of a sentence but it took so many tries to capitalize it that I thought I should point it out.

Man, I don't care about this sentence anymore.

I forgot about the motorcycle today. I'm not really sure what that means, or if it means anything.

I'm thinking about culinary school now. Didn't know I like cooking, did you? Well, maybe you did.

Gah, I had to change position so that my laptop battery could charge, and this new position is far less comfortable.

I should make something. I'm going to put my fort back up, but that doesn't count.

I also wish my truck were louder. I want a vehicle that can roar. My truck just purrs loudly.

I must occupy my brain. I feel the urge to write, but I haven't really been absorbing anything from books and nothing real interesting has happened lately. Maybe I should ... do something? A long walk. With the camera. And some food. Very long walk. What the weather tomorrow?

It is supposed to snow tomorrow. Maybe walk is bad idea. Maybe other ideas...

I know! I will finally clean the inside of my truck. Don't tell mom. It has also been a while since I watched movie. Well, it feels that way. I actually watched one this weekend. I might do that too. Ocean's Twelve sounds good.

I need new locations! Places I haven't been before. No, I don't mean the Vu. I still want Argentina. Buenos Airies. According the Google thing I have, it is currently 72 degrees in BsAs. No, I don't know why it's abbreviated like that, but I've seen it several times in several places so I'm pretty sure it's not wrong. Though looking at it now, it looks like it could be the acronym for BullShit Airlines.

Funny, BSA made me think of that before Boy Scouts of America. You don't hear much about the boyscouts anymore. Not since they've declared their belief that homosexuality is immoral. That last I heard mention of it was about how mormon boy scout troops are looked down upon by other troops because they focus only on getting merit badges with out any regard for learning the actual skills.

I think I have the same relationship with programming that I have with math. That is: love/hate. I've been considering teaching myself calculus. Apparently that's some kind of achievement among normal people.

Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. Go look them up on youtube. I like Tale of the Runaways.

Okay, I got the idea of teaching myself calculus from an episode of Numb3rs.

Paradoxes are funny things. For example. Say there's a question you would ask. And you ask it because you don't know the answer. But you know that when you hear the answer, you won't believe it. So do you ask the question or not?

Ego is annoying. So is arrogance. And ignorance. And the willfully stupid. I must be hanging out in the right circles though cause I don't seem to ever meet these people.

I've been thinking about something I heard so long ago I can't remember where I heard it. But it went something like this: You cannot hate someone you truly know. Or maybe it was: You can't help but someone once you've truly know them. Either way, it's something that's been on my mind a bit lately.

Maybe something in Psychology is the way to go.

So now I have Culinary, Maths, Psychology, Hobo.

I think I may have just stumbled closer to discovering a fear. Interesting... Then again, I'm sort of excited by this, so maybe “fear” isn't the right word. Which would make it disappointing again, but then not. So maybe I have something to look into. But it would work better in the summer. If it goes wrong in the winter it would go much worse. I might have been planning to do that anyways.

There is morse code in this song. I wonder what it says. I once heard of a ham radio guy who could speak in morse code at 80 words per minute. That's faster than I could type. And he would only talk to other people who could keep up with him. Which means there was more than one person like that. Which is kinda cool. And I should learn morse code.

Thoughts of cryptography are resurfacing.

Principle Differences

2008-01-16T15:48:00.000-06:00

I normally sit approximately three feet from my subwoofer. And it's nice, and has good bass. Or so I thought. But now, sitting 25 feet from Dad's subwoofer, it is shaking me and the chair I'm in and the table I'm leaning on.

grains

2008-01-15T21:59:00.000-06:00

I have not written anything for a while, and this had begun to produce guilt. I despise guilt, so here I am.

So many things have happened since I last wrote anything that I can't even remember them, but I can at least list the important things. I spent two days out at camp helping to clean up stuff and hanging out with Meat and Sprout. I went to Audrey's birthday party. I hung out with Chelsea and Rebecca. Chelsea and Rebecca went back to school. And there was a Federation meeting.

I've always seen working at WalMart as a sign that you have failed somewhere along the line, at least when it comes to myself. I'd say I don't judge the other because their situations are different, but to be honest, I just don't care. I could probably get a job there. Then again, I probably wouldn't get hired. I have horrible doubt when it comes to me ever getting a job. Applications aren't worth a shit. Nobody is ever hiring.

I'm ranting, I need to stop that.

I played guitar for four hours today. I was hoping it would help with something, and I'm not entirely sure it didn't work.

Tomorrow I am baking cookies and dropping off apps, and picking up other apps and praying that someone with give me a job.

I'm beginning to hate the University system. Oh joy, I've found a "man" that is "keeping me down." Haha, no. Fuck that.

I wonder ... if I should brave the cold and see if I can get my motorcycle to run and go anywhere. No safty net on that thing, if I break down I'm pretty much screwed. I could just ride it to the library and back. The battery will be dead. Bumpstarting is a hassle, but I'm getting better at it.

Now, the question is this: Will I have the courage to go through with this? Will the bike run at all?

Well, I've said something here, so that soothes my conscience a bit.

I has fort!

2008-01-08T17:27:00.000-06:00

I just don't shut up, do i?

2008-01-07T23:42:00.000-06:00

Just come up with a line to start writing already. This will be another experiment in free writing, because that's what I feel like doing right now. Suck it up. You'll get through this. All you have to do is keep typing. If you'd stop making typos that I have to go back and fix this would be much easier. Yeah, ... I was going to say “that's more like it”, but then you went and started screwing it all up again. Maybe it was just your arm position.

Anyways, we are near the end of monday. Tuesday lies on the horizon and wednesday just beyond. Rain is falling. Loudly. I can hear some thunder, and see lighting off in the distance through the crack in my curtains. How I'd love to be out and wandering around in it. Warm in a long, water-proof coat. Perhaps with a good friend by my side to provide conversation.

I've noticed that my conversation skills seem to be lacking quite a bit lately. I'm always at a loss for what to say one-on-one with a friend. Even someone I've know for years and am very comfortable with I find it hard to come up with an interesting topic. Does this mean that I don't know my friends as well as I though? Or am I really just that boring that I actually have nothing to say? That's a depressing thought and I would hope that the very fact that I am writing this is proof that I'm not so shallow.

That's another horrible thought. Am I becoming shallow? I'm sure there is someone who would say I'm not. At least, I hope there is. Maybe because I'm still worried about this it means that I'm not yet shallow.

This song contains a line that says “will someone help me understand”. I could use someone to help me understand things sometimes. That was easier to admit than I thought it would, but what do I do about it? How do you become close enough to someone to talk about those sorts of things? There's not safe way, that's for sure. By telling someone so much about yourself you are giving them incredible power to hurt you further down the line. This is where I need to learn to trust people more. As of now, I still feel like I don't give my friends enough credit. I want to, but people I thought I could trust in the past ... well, no. Looking back, I knew I couldn't trust those people, but I told them anyways. I seem to have over-learned that lesson to the point where now I can't even talk to people I know I can trust. This helps with that. I can tell someone what's on my mind without having to actually tell them anything. And since I've gone through the trouble to make it public I and pass it off as unimportant. After all, who in their right mind would make something or a sensitive nature public? Of course, no one has ever said I was right in the head...

The more I type, the less my headache seem to have hold. I like this.

Rain, is a wonderful thing. I've mentioned in the past how I have only good memories of the rain, but never bothered to share any. So here is one:

I was thirteen of fourteen. It was on the way back from a trip to Florida to visit grandma. I was laying on the back seat of the Blazer, late a night. We'd just crossed the Illinois border, having left Ft. Lauderdale at 5 that morning. Fleetwood Mac is playing quietly out of the stereo. And it's raining.

I know. It's not much, but these are the things I enjoy.

Letter to myself

2008-01-07T23:17:00.000-06:00

Who are you? Hmm? Reading this. Writing this ...

Fine, you're here. I have to deal with you at some point. You are me after all. I don't like the way you've been thinking lately. It's spilling over into the happy parts of me. It's making friendship uncomfortable. It's making me unhappy with what I have. Taking things for granted. You piece of shit.

Do you have any idea how good you have it? You're not just another aimless eighteen year old kid. You've got talent and potential, but you waste it. Are you really so stupid? Get over yourself.

You're not the only one who has dealt with these problems. You think you're special? NO! Damn, you can be so self centered I just want to beat you with a sledgehammer. Think of others for once and not yourself. What can you do to make them happy?

It's not about you. You're here to make things better for others, not yourself. You're not important just because you happen to breathe and think. You could be important, but not so long as you keep being so fucking self absorbed. Get out of yourself and start paying attention to those around you.

I'm going to say to forget everything you want for yourself, or what you think you want. But it's not as important as you think. I can't say that with as much conviction as I'd like, since I am you; but trust me, you need to think about it less, before it starts to tear you apart. You need to remain whole so others can rely on you, if they need you. Don't betray their trust cause you'll never get it back.

Don't be so worried about what they say about you either. You've got to learn to trust them. You need them you know. You've gotten used to it. That might have been a mistake on my part, but it's made you happier and better overall. Be thankful for once. Don't try and analyze so much. Just try not to let them slip away.

Yeah, you know who I'm thinking of. All of them. Looking back, it's probably for the best, else you we wouldn't be here now. But don't let it happen again, because you can never come back.

And stop being so damn quiet.

What am I doing?

2008-01-07T22:43:00.000-06:00

I have begun to think about how I spend my time. In case you haven't noticed, I spend a lot of time on my computer. Why? Why not read? Or go outside? Or play guitar? Or any of a million other productive things?

I spend so much of my time on the computer for several reasons. The main one being that it is my primary way of talking with my friends. This is important, yes, but it does not justify my being on the computer when I know no one I talk to will be, such as eight o'clock in the morning. So why else would I be on?

It is definitely an effective way to procrastinate, but I don't always have anything to put off. So maybe I'm on here because I have nothing pressing to tear me away from it.

It is easy to use and has the potential to show me a wide variety of new information, but usually I just look at "funny" pictures and read useless articles about some guy who hasn't slept for 33 years. I don't often take advantage of the many benefits.

And here we go again, I've gotten bored with writing this post. Why? I enjoy writing, but this is just not interesting to me. I want to be out an about, seeing new things. Or at least seeing old things in new ways.

I feel like I have failed this post. I have not let it live up to it's full potential. Next time ...

shiny rock

2008-01-07T22:35:00.000-06:00

i am lost and alone
but i have found this stone
and it is warm and shiny
and glows with an unearthly light
so that i begin to think
i have found some mighty
long lost and forgotten relic
of a time long ago
when people believe in such nonsense
as magical stones and faith and love

Focus

2008-01-06T23:37:00.001-06:00

I feel like I'm building toward something ...

Rant, yay, rant

2008-01-06T22:39:00.000-06:00

My head hurts, my ears are ringing, and I miss State Fair.

I'm ready to run, dying for adventure, and lusting after a old black motorcycle.

If I let my life become mundane and boring I give you permission to set me on fire. And I expect you to follow through.

Fantasy of the moment: Take all my money, hop on my motorcycle, and see how far I can get before I either run out of money or it explodes.

This is bad ... I'm getting restless again ...t

Strange

2008-01-05T14:27:00.000-06:00

Printer not on, but it just made a noise.

"I expect a blog about this"

2008-01-05T00:19:00.000-06:00

Tonight, was interesting. And fun. And now I think I will have trouble sleeping.

I picked up Chelsea around 7:30 and we went to Panera's to eat. Unfortunately, they were closing at 8 tonight so we were unable to sit and eat like we had planned. So we got our meal to go and headed over to the bowling alley to eat in the parking lot in the truck. Wondeful, wonderful soup. And bread. And pastry thing.

After that we went inside and played with foam puzzles and cards for about an hour while we waited for Rebecca to show up. Eventually she did and we were able to bowl. I manged a high score for the night of 155. But that's not really what I came here to tell you about.

You see, the black lights came on around 10, which made everything look cool and glowy. Now, this apparently also made my shoes invisible to me, and I repeatedly failed to see Chelsea removing the laces from the right boot. What makes this even worse for me is that I kept looking at here while she was doing it.

Wow that was a creepy noise. O well.

The other thing to happen this night, was my discovery of some sort of plot by them that involves me in some way. What I know so far is this:

1. It started with a conversation between Chelsea and Rebecca and this turned into more conversations.
2. It will happen sometime in the future.
3. The event that triggers this event is uncertain.
4. Apparently I trigger this event. And it happens to me.
5. It makes Chelsea giggle.
6. It is good.
7. It has happened to other people.
8. It has never happened to me.
9. Chelsea believes it will happen, but has no proof.
*edit*
10. This event is something I do, but it won't happen by itself.
11. It is not me falling down.
12. I will learn the contents of a conversation once this thing happens.

Needless to say, I am intrigued.

(12:32:34 AM) ckermit8: the information you have been given is extremely and purposefully vague

That about sums it up.

From a chat

2008-01-04T15:34:00.000-06:00

I was talking to someone I know through the internet and we were having some fun with wikipedia.

First one: go to wikipedia and hit random article, first is your band name, next article is title of your first album, the next fifteen are the titles of your songs.

Band: Achkhoy-Martanovsky District
Title: KION-TV
Songs: the tripp, UFC 32, edwin w. pauly, pat paterson, integer factorization records, pale-bellied mourner, unicornagrphy, kallanai-poompuhar state highway, bighorn canyon national recreation area, neu! '72 live in dusseldorf, tangible property, jeff schiebler, borderland, O Captain! My Captain!, olympic medal nobre guedes

Second one: first is your name, second is who you work for, third is code name, fourth is your gun, fifth is your boss

Name: Kimera
Organization: Wheel of Fortune
Code Name: Walter Robins
Gun: mujrim
Boss: Meyriez

third one: 1. hero (name) 2. nemisis 3.sidekick 4.city 5.vehicle 6.secret identity

name: royal air force uniform
nemesis: lin luguo
sidekick: wynberg
city: william warelwast
vehicle: aisne-marne american cemetary and memorial
secret identity: nandikar

Not Quite

2008-01-04T14:43:00.000-06:00

I didn't go for a walk today. Instead I woke up, got dressed, and curled up on the floor in front of the stove. I woke up again 5 hours later. I did away with pillows a few years ago, now I'm considering doing away with a bed altogether.

Granules

2008-01-03T23:09:00.000-06:00

One idea bouncing around in the back of my head is this: moving. I can't help but think I need a change of scenery. I've been here for 14 years now I think. Being here has given me time form friendships that I wouldn't have had otherwise, and for that I am eternally grateful, but fourteen years is to long to stay in one spot.

Well, I can't for now. At least, I don't think I can. To many obstacles, or so I tell myself. Maybe I just need to stop thinking and get out of my own way. Life won't happen if I keep coming up with excuses to prevent it.

I'm going for a walk tomorrow. In the morning. I wish I still had a long coat to use. I wonder if Dad has one I can borrow.

What have I done?

2008-01-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

On New Year's Eve I ... danced. I know, right? If I weren't there I wouldn't have believed it. What was I thinking? And now ... people know ...

I should start at the beginning. Monday night.

The roads were slick. Which, I'll admit, I took advantage of. That is, once my windshield wiper fluid stopped freezing on my windshield. That church parking lot ... Anyways, I pick up Chelsea and we head downtown to the old state capitol. After navigating a small, incredibly icy detour, we arrive in the underground parking garage.

After a short elevator ride we arrive on the fourth floor and run into Chris who tells us that it's actually on the fifth floor. So we walk up some stairs. Viola! A room. With people. Who dance.

We find seats, Chris joins us, Rebecca shows up shortly after. Dancing commences! I wasn't all that impressed to begin with, but then I realized that these were just the dances to introduce the participants to one another. Then they got slightly more interesting (by interesting, I mean complicated, which makes them interesting). After a bit we moved to the upstairs balcony and Rebecca threatened me and Chris with bodily harm if we didn't not come out to participate in the audience participation bits.

Well, there was really no choice after that. I've seen what she can do with a pair of shoelaces.

It wasn't all bad. I didn't fall over like she hoped, but I did trip. I spun a lot too. Lots of spinning in that first one. Then I sat for a bit, in the back where I couldn't really see anything, and I'm not entirely clear on what happened next, but I ended up on the dance floor yet again with some one named Brigetta(sp?). We where not together long as this dance seemed designed to shuffle us like a deck of cards.

Again, I'm slightly fuzzy on events here, but it involved Party Poppers and scaring Rebecca.

Chris left to go pick up his dad and we three leftovers headed out to my house to set off fireworks. We didn't set off as many as we had planned, however, because of the extreme cold and numbness in my fingers. This resulted in us returning to the warmth of the wood stove, where those two proceeded to tell mom stories. And a certain fangroup I had forgotten about.

Needless to say, mom enjoyed this part of the evening quite a bit. I also enjoyed it somewhat, thought I apperently missed something very funny. I walked down to the other end and all of a sudden they all burst out laughing. This worries me slightly, but I pushed it from my mind. Until now, of course, when I begin again to wonder.

llama

2008-01-02T13:13:00.000-06:00

I've always liked the idea of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The idea that somewhere just beyond the limits of your vision is a great treasure that makes all your struggle worth while.

Don't desire to shun an idea simply because it is cliché.

Sometimes I hide parts of me because I don't want people to know about them, or I don't trust them enough to tell them yet. But sometimes, I just like it.

Best paraphrasing of the day: “Dreams are mostly mundane, like real life. Shit happens, time passes.” That makes dreaming seem to boring. Life, too.

I don't like to think of love for other people as simply “furthering the survival of the species.” There's got to be more to it than that.

Blogging

2008-01-02T08:48:00.000-06:00

The reason I am so glad that my friends blog is that I am too scared to ask what they think. It's a big step, asking. Even thought it doesn't make sense, you feel like you're putting yourself on the line to want to know what they think. It should be them who feel the pressure, I mean, someone actually wants to know what they think. But that's now how it works.

It's dangerous to let someone know that you are interested in their thoughts. What if they find a way to take advantage? Well, that's something you'll have to deal with, hopefully you're smart enough to figure it out. In the mean time, you have to trust.

Rope-a-dope

2008-01-01T12:40:00.000-06:00

I once had a rubber ducky
and one day I named him bucky
cause he had some funky teeth
from his dad they were bequeathed
he was my only friend
until his sad sad end
and this here little rhyme
is to honor him through time

and that doesn't really flow but i'm happy to let it go just the way it is.

2007-12-31T12:58:00.000-06:00

I feel better today. It seems as if ideas are bubbling just beneath the surface now.

I have a bottle. It is full of red liquid and hold 750ml. It is also made from grapes. Unfortunately, it is only juice. But hey, it looks like like wine, so I'm happy for now.

I need some sort of psychological problem to keep me engaged. And I don't mean that I want to develop schizophrenia. (Holy crap, i spelled schizophrenia correctly, but misspelled "develop".) What I mean is that I need to have something to think about. Philosophy or dreams or something. Dreams are interesting me more and more lately. I had one last night, but I forgot to write it down while I still remembered it. But, the important part is that I'm more aware of them now.

Anyways, I was saying something irellevant to what I came here to say. I want adventure. Well that's probably now what I came here to say either, but I'm not entirely sure what I came here to write. I just felt I should write. That's sounds really stupid and cliche, but it's one of those urges I can give into without adverse consequences.

Mmm, my red grape drink is gone. It was mostly gone to begin with though.

Metallica!

I like swords. A few years ago I made a couple wooden swords and me and my cousin would fight with them. Hard. We smashed many fingers and eventually broke them both. The staffs I have held up well though. We fought just as hard with those and I still have both. Old broomsticks. Awesome.

I have more stacks of CD to rip. More classical that I found, and some jazz, and some other stuff that I'm not so sure about.

I've been thinking lately that I should improve my typing and reading speed. I saw somewhere in an article that somehow had something to do with stenography that typing was an impractical way to keep records of what was said in a courthouse because very few people could type at the speed at which people talk. I've noticed that to be true when it comes to my own writing and typing because I don't trust myself enough to hit the right keys in the right order. I think the threshold mentioned in the article was 100 words per minute. Last I checked I was only typing around 60 words per minute. I'm sure more practice would help. I know there are things out there that could help me.

Something else related to that that I have been thinking would be cool is a keyboard without letters or symbols of any kind. I've seen replacement keys for desktop keyboards before that were just blank plastic, but I'm not sure how that would work for a laptop. I could alway pop off the keys on the one I have and repaint them, but I worry about them matching. The other idea ws to disassemble and repaint the whole computer., but I kind of like the way it is now. Glossy black would be nice though...

As far as reading goes, I used to be able to read much faster. But then I didn't read much for a while, and I fell behind my book purchasing habit. Now I read slowly. Once again, something that could be fixed with a bit of practice, I just need to remember to actually do it while I'm reading.

I think I need to record myself playing the songs I know so that I don't forget them and have them on record. But I need to figure out how to further reduce the noise in my recordings. The noise annoys me. You know, I haven't tried to record my acoustic yet.